frustration

This is annoying.  Decent day at work.  Decent therapy session.  Frustrating time with my friends and family, and now I'm still all worked-up, stressed, and a little anxious.  Balls.

Terrified

Panic attacks cause one to harbor bad feelings about one's job.  Especially when the stress that causes those attacks are the direct result of the job itself.  I've got to get out of teaching in districts that are so incredibly...  well, in-need of reform.  Maybe I'll go back into the lab, if anyone would have me.  I'd love a government job.  In those things, I pursue.

My wife is pregnant with our third love-child.  She (and my mother in-law) say that because God has given us this gift, He will also give us a way to provide for him/her.  Pray that I find God's plan.  Because I trust that He won't leave me to hang out and fail my family.  Pray that I develop the self-confidence to succeed in whatever job He gives me.  Pray that I develop the faith to trust in this future.  As stated before, this next year is going to ber precarious.  Bankruptcy, career change, pregnancy.  Yikes.  It's enough to drive one sick...  oh, wait...  you know, cause massive weight loss, a closing esophagus, anxiety, panic-attacks, deeper depression...  I'm not supposed to be ruminating.

It's possible that the Sam-E supplement that I've been taking MAY be causing my extra anxiety and panic attacks.  Time to stop taking that pill and see what happens, I guess.

Can't even begin...

Massive panic attack this morning.  No work.  Lost money.  Blah.

My therapist and I got to dive into my history surrounding my career tonight.  It's interesting to see my choices from another's perspective.  I gave up my dream career for the dream family.  Although I'd never trade back, sometimes the thought of going to work to do what I've always wanted seems like a great dream.  And the loss of that dream hurts.  Again, I'd make the same choices again, but that doesn't mean I can't be sad that I lost something so special to me.  At least it's revealed to me that maybe what I'm doing isn't right for me.  Either the environment isn't right, or the pay isn't.  This year, it's been both.

I did some major emotional backsliding over the past 24 hours.  I can't seem to shake 30+ years of training.  I know it's difficult enought just to recognize that and I should probably pat myself on the back for that but it's going to take a lot of work to get out of this rut.  Sometimes I think of all of the people in the world with no food, home, or family, and then I feel completely ashamed that I'm so miserable with those three blessings.  Does that mean I shouldn't complain?  Is it so bad to want a job that doesn't make me physically and mentally sick?  I don't know.

Damn

So I heard within the past few days that two of the jobs I was pursuing declined to even interview me.  At least the e-mail from EMU was nice.  It said something to the effect of "although we see you have talent and experience, we're looking for somebody else."  Awwww.  It's always nice to hear that the paper/resume version of yourself reflects something positive.  And of course it means more to me, in so much that I have been trained to derive my sense of self-worth through the eyes of others.  Anyhow, the second rejection came today, and it's actually the second rejection from the same place.  I applied for two different jobs at a prestigious local private school, and was turned down for each other because I don't have a degree in Math.  That's right, although I essentially minored in Math at UM (they didn't have minors until after I graduated), AND passed the subject's state test for teaching in that field, AND have shown myself more than capable of teaching it for years on end...  because I don't have the right piece of paper, I was "passed over."  What really frustrates me is the fact that they didn't even interview me.  For all they know, I could out-teach any number of their math teachers, but because those took a few extra courses that I didn't (and I do mean a few, and the courses are not applicable to high school or middle school), they get considered and I don't.  Piss on them.

Then there's my current job.  Look, people, it's Hell.  I can't begin to tell you how tired I am of working in such sub-par environments.  But at least I'm employed at the moment, right?  Well, that's another curve ball, because my certification expires in July, and so my current job can lose me then.  I have completed the neccessary requirements to renew my certification through a Master's Degree, but yet my university and place of business has dediced to take >3 months to respond to my requests.  So now I don't even know if I'll be able to teach next year in a public school.  What REALLY pisses me off about this is that if I were to teach one more year in a low SES district, the federal government would repay $17,500 of my student loans.  The requirement is working in such a district for five consecutive years.  So I could be one year short.  What REALLY stains my underwear is the fact that I've been teaching in such districts/schools for eight years, but because my original schools did not fill out the correct paperwork, they were left off of the list of eligible schools.  Can you feel the rage?

Thank God for (Himself) my wife, who talked me down from my downward spiral (or is that "talked me up?").  Although I'm still really concerned (ok, worried) about the next 4-5 months of my life, I am feeling slightly better about things.

55%

OK, so today was easily a 55% day.  Or as my wife tells me, that it like most "normal" people's 65-75%.  Pretty kick-ass.

Work was lonely at first, annoying second (no copy paper until after 8 am), and then unproductive third as many of my students decided to continue their game-plan from last card marking and sleep through the lesson and classwork time.  Sure, the results from last card marking were many failing students, but don't tell them to expect a different outcome with the same behavior.

Had a last-minute staff meeting.  It was productive, but I wish I had know earlier about it.  You see, on Monday afternoons/nights, I meet with my mentor from Church, Greg.  This guy knows his message, the path, and he knows how to steer me in a good next-step directon.  When I got home I expected to see my mother-in-law in the library with my wife for Bible Study, but she couldn't make it over tonight.

Only 28 more days of school until final exams!  Woo-hoo!  I can't wait for this school year to be over.  It's been a ride to say the least.