Losing Hope

I've been on an interesting kick lately.  I've been away from my job for several weeks now, on doctor's orders (short-term disability).  I am scrambling to find new work while at the same time continue to attend therapy sessions, doctors' appointments, continue with my mental homework (via Feeling Good), read the Bible, pray, etc.

Some interesting things have happened in the past few weeks.  My wife is pregnant with our third love-child, and I'm really curious as to how God is going to play this one out in terms of me providing money, time and effort to my expanding family.  My wife is going to need more help and I promised to do everything in my power to provide as much as I can.

Regarding finding a new job or career; I can definitely say that if it sounds too good to be true, then the opportunity probably is.  I have had several contacts thus far, but nothing has been formerly offered except for two positions with a company that I once worked for and vowed never to return to again.  Although it may seem like I'm being a whiny bitch about where I work for, there are only two places where I will never return to.  I'm trying to remain faithful to the notion that God will provide what I need and in the place I need to be.

I have turned my sense of loneliness inward.  Nobody will ever be able to provide what I need for me to get better other than myself and God.  True, others can encourage me and listen to me, but I'm not counting on that.  My therapist can meet with me, but that's only because I pay her. Granted, she is still an expert in these matters, but I know I can't count on her to fix everything.  These feelings have granted me new strength.  It's bitter-sweet, because I was hoping for something different, but it is still rewarding in the sense that I know I will be able to make it and pull through.