Introduction

Depression hurts.  Who does it hurt?  Me.
I start this blog for several reasons. 

1. I need an outlet; something with which to purge all of my negative thoughts via lunatic ravings.
2. I noticed that there are virtually zero good sites where you can get an insight into depression and/or anxiety without going through Wikipedia or WebMD.  Added note: the one thread in the depression forums on WebMD is short and minimal, with so many people viewing and so few contributing even a brief moment of empathy. 
3. There are so few places where a person can witness somebody who has depression and/or anxiety go through life changes...  growing, improving, because less depressed...  whatever.  After reading the few threads/posts out there regarding depression, I have also deteremined that so many out there are suffeing worse than I am.  Maybe those people--if and when they read this-- will find some bit of hope here.  So there.

So here's my story:  I'm a young (?) father of two who has struggled with depression (and more recently, anxiety) for the past...  oh...  say about seventeen years.  Now, according to several reference sites out there, most people who get depressed experience for months...  maybe a few years.  I'm one of those select few who have fought it since my mid-teens.  This does not make my suffering greater (or lesser) than anybody else who is depressed, but it serves as a reference-point for my life.

Now, I'm sure that if I decide to continue this blog, I will slowly reveal the various aspects of my past, but for now, here's the short version:
I loved life.  I mean, I was elated with life.  Maybe that's seeing my past through rose-colored glasses, but that's what I remember.  I had a great family, two brothers who I generally got along with, a moderate number of friends...  my family grew up in the upper-middle class suburbs of a major metropolitan area.  Later on in life I truly understood just how much my family provided for me.  Maybe I'll write about that revealing trip in Mexico in the future.  Anyhow, I remember life being what I truly thought and still think is "normal."  I've been told that there is no "normal," but that's another topic for another day.  I had bad days, I had great days, and I had every kind of day in between.  That's been my central problem from my teenage years onward.

Since mid-high school, things are almost like that scene from Office Space.  You know, this one:



I've always had a soft spot for hyperbole. 

That aside, this is the closest thing that I have ever encountered that describes how I feel.  Only, instead of "since I started work" I would have to substitute "since mid-high school."

So, like I've said, I've been there and done that in terms of being depressed.  I've been through two psychiatrists, two religions, two wives, four different therapists, many different self-help books, and a multitude of of anti-depressents, doses, nutritional supplements, etc. 

Feeling Good by David Burns, M.D. is a book that I am currently reading.  It's helping me understand that a large chunk of my depression is caused by self-defeating thoughts--known in the book as "cognitive distortions"--which create negative emotions.  I have started two notebooks since I began reading this book: one for taking notes, and another in which I take quizzes, do daily exercises, etc.  Anyhow, coming up (in this blog and in many future blogs, I am sure) are some tidbits of knowledge that I have encountered while reading this book.  For example:

There are four D's of Depression: defeated, defective, deserted, and deprived.

I'm sure that other sufferers of depression can read that list and identify with at least one of those D's.  As Will Smith once said, "just nod your head."  I personally ID with all four of them at this particular time in my life.

Some of the major causes of depression.  I currently believe that my depression's causes are biology, genetics, trauma and grief, and changes and stressful events.


Some more information that I have gleaned from this book:

1. When I began reading this book on 3/23, I took a depression index and got a 79.  The description of this number is EXTREME DEPRESSION (all caps for super-mega emphasis!).  Today I re-took this index and got a 60 which is described by SEVERE DEPRESSION.  This shows that I've improved.  At this point in time I take a momentary pause to pat myself on the back for this improvement.  This book also suggests that I do this often at first, even if it feels mechnical...  it definitely feels mechanical.
2. If one is ready, one can begin to "talk back" to the negative thoughts that automatically occur in my head.  In so doing, I am responding rationally to my automatic irrational thoughts.  Note: this is a form of cognitive therapy, in which you use mental techniques to control your concscious thoughts.
3. According to page 87, "depression is the most agonizing form of human suffering."  Now personally, I believe that torture is probably more agonizing.  This could stem from the facts that I have recently begun thinking of the crucifixtion of Jesus and I have also watched the movie "Braveheart."  Having your entrails removed while you are still alive?  Now THAT'S agonizing.  Note: I'm not saying that depression is not agonizing or full of suffering by any means.  God knows I have "always" felt and still feel otherwise.
4. My irritability quotient (a measure of how quickly I become irritated) is average.  I guess I'm not a rage-aholic.
5. I took the dysfunctional attitude scale inventory which measures your general attitude towards approval, love, achievement, perfectionism, entitlement, omnipotence, and autonomy.  Scores range from negative ten through positive ten.  Positive scores translate to a healthy belief in that particular category, while a negative score translates to an unhealthy belief.  I got the following: Approval -8, Love -3, Achievement -7, Perfectionism -2, Entitlement -1, Omnipotence -5, and Autonomy -7.  Yikes.  That's fucked up.
6. I have done a cost-benefit analysis of continuing to think the way I do.  Logically, I can see why my automatic thoughts are so destructive.  This does not make ridding myself of these thoughts any easier whatsoever.