Progress, Regress

Roller-freaking-coaster of a weekend.

First, let me state some good news.  According to the Depression Inventory found in Feeling Good, I rated at a 78--which is Extreme Depression--on 3/23.  Then, on 4/4, I rated a 60, which is Severe Depression (a lower number is better).  Finally, on 4/16, I rated 53, which is only three points away from Moderate Depression.  So, overall, progress has been made.

I had the BEST morning/early afternoon Saturday.  I spent the morning watching my two daughters play at my church's Easter Egg Hunt.  About three or four hours of playgrounds, underdogs, egg-hunts, cotton candy, popcorn, face-painting, and temporary tattooing.  I was probably operating at around a high 60-almost 70% in terms of satisfaction.  Hooray.  Then, I found at that the dream (or was it) job opening was filled.  Talk about disappointment.  CRASH.  I was SO set on getting this job.  I felt like all of God's signs were there.  I randomly surfed to the school's employment page one day, found the one job I've always dreamed of was open for next year, and then discovered that I knew two people who already worked there...  and THEN I discovered that I knew the department chair/interviewer's daughter.  Talk about signs.  So when the bad news came, my whole world of hope and happiness and faith (temporarily that last one) came crashing about my feet.  I felt cold, numb, and defeated...  but the worst was yet to come...

Hours later, my wife loses it.  I mean, I haven't seen her lose her patience like this in years.  You see, she's Irish/Scottish, and a certified angel.  So when she loses it, she LOSES it.  In this loss of patience, she informed me that she just can't take it anymore and just wants ONE day of a happy husband.  Or something to that affect (she has a knack for "remembering exactly what happened/was said").  But that's not what I heard.  What I heard was "I can't handle you and your burdensome depression anymore."  My worst nightmares confirmed, come-true, and still ringing in my ears.  I hurt.  I felt angry, disappointed, betrayed, and destroyed.  It's going to take a long time to sort out what she really meant (she clarified later that what I "heard" was not what she meant, and that she was really angry that I had such a good day but was away from her while I was happy...  that she didn't get the chance to ever see me happy one of the few times that I actually felt that way.  My depression is like her depression, and she didn't get to see the rare moment of sunshine.  That must have been really frustrating and disappointing for her.  Sorting the emotions and thoughts out is going to take some time, much less forgiveness...  that's a family (nature AND nurture) trait that I contain.  I'm a mega-grudge holder/score-counter.  It's not healthy, and I've been working on that for years.

Today I decided to volunteer more.  I signed up to fill food bags for the needy in a few weekends.  I'm also looking into going on a mission trip to Haiti, Africa, or India.  My hope is to go this summer if/when I'm off from summer school (hoping that I get a summer school job).  But if not, I'll try to go this Fall.  I asked God today if this was what HE wanted me to do, and I immediately heard "yes."

Speaking of my job, I am STILL waiting for a confirmation e-mail to get sent from my supervisor in order to get the final approval for my Master's Degree.  This will renew/upgrade my certificate and enable me to continue working in my current profession.  But the confirmation e-mail has been requested in December, and I STILL haven't received it.  Meanwhilem, my certification expires this July, and I recently received a certified letter from my current employer informing me that I will not be working for them next year if my certification has expired.  Is this God's sign that I shouldn't work for them on in my current profession anymore?  I have yet to sort/figure that out.

I'm freaking out about my finances.  I finally logged in to my student loans webpage and discovered that I had not only double the principal that I initially throught (I guess my Master's Program was more expensive than I initially thought), but that my payment was already over a month late.  Shit.  Add this to my current process of filing for bankruptcy, and I'm up shit's creek without a paddle.  Bankruptcy, from what I understand, does not wipe away student loans.  Damn it.  At the current time, I don't even know if I can finish paying my bankruptcy lawyer before I file.  And I keep getting phone calls from "unavailable" all throughout the day/week.  So nerve-wracking.

I'm starting to believe that my parents' description of the American Dream was a complete lie.  I was raised that you had to be the best, get the best education, and work hard, and money and opportunities will come.  What bullshit.  It's really who you know, and I haven't been good with "knowing" people in years, due to my depression.  Shit, I know people who have one fifth the education that I have and make like triple what I make.  For example, a first-year janitor in NYC makes at least 50k!  That really pissed me off.

It's hard to not feel screwed at the moment.