No time to suffer or heal

My therapist returned this week, and reflecting back to last week, I've been doing...  interesting.  I have been doing better in some ways, and worse in others.  Ironically, my emotions and spirit have been improving, but my physical health has been declining...  or at least I've hit a frustrating wall.

Let me paint a picture with exampes: I dropped taking my sleeping pill for the past two days and took melatonin instead.  Big mistake.  For both of those nights I probably woke up a minimum of eight times.  But to poke the bruise even more, I woke up STARVING...  as in I haven't eaten in days starving.  So after the first night I got a little smarter and posted a Cliff bar next to my bed in case of a repeat.  But the moment I'd pop even the smallest morsol in my mouth, I felt...  well, really fucked up.  My stomach would immediately reject the food, and I'd feel like I was going to barf all over the place.  So I'd try to go back to sleep, but would wake up as little as twenty minutes later.  On a personal note, the stench of my armpits was also waking me up.  I ran out of soap and have been using a less-potent soap for the past few days.  Nasty.  So anyhow, I've been eating somewhere between 500 and 800 calories per day or the past several weeks, if not months.  Note: I just burp-chucked.  I've lost 35 pounds, and can't seem to describe how it feels to eat.  I feel a slight feeling of satisfaction as I'm finally shoving a few calories down my throat.  But at the same time, having food in my stomach actually HURTS.  It's almost like my stomach doesn't know how to accept and hold food anymore.  Add bad gas pain on to the list, and the fact that I still am pooping 2-4 times a day, and I can't logically figure that last bit out.

I have a lot of big things coming up in the next few months.  I'd like to find a new job, I'd like to finish the bankruptcy process, and I'd like to start saving some money again instead of depleting every last bit of savings that we have.  I really hope everything works out for the best.

I've had zero time to decompress after work.  Although I got to talk to my mentor from church all last night, it didnt feel like I was decompressing from my uber-stressful day.  Then when I finally got home, my wife was busy for another hour or so.  By the time she was closing her eyes to sleep, I hadn't even completed describing the shitty 45-50 minutes that I had at work, much less the rest of the day, even LESS listened to my wife about her day.  Zero time to decompress.  Even my therapy didn't feel like I was able to exhaust my frustrations fully.  Maybe I SHOULD write that book.