Some crests, some troughs today

So today was an interesting day.  I awoke around 5:30 in full-on panic attack.  Got my ass to the bathroom, popped a Xanax, and returned to bed.  Too late.  I was up on and off until around 7:30.  Sigh

Adding to my normal level of depression to today was the rain.  We have few seasons in the state that I live: winter, grey, and construction.  Some may argue that the first two are really the same.  Whatever.  Anyhow, YEARS ago I thought my depression was really just Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD, har har), which is basically a way of saying "winter-blues-itis" (you see, if you add "itis" to the end of anything, it automatically makes it officially medical).  I THINK I was first clued in to the misdiagnosis sometime mid-summer and I was still miserable.  But still to this day, January through March is the worst for my depression symptoms...  So it's raining, my gut is in knots, and I hobble downstairs to head out to an early meeting with the campus director of my family's church.

The meeting went well.  Turns out, we have very similar backgrounds, except he's been rich...  like, FILTHY rich.  President/CEO of three major multi-million dollar companies rich.  He says that it didn't fulfill him and left him hollow.  Fair enough.  As mentioned up above (I'll wait), we have a lot in common: parents that taught us that carrers full of achievements will fulfil us and make us happy, depression, anxiety, physical abuse, etc.  He lets me know that I can call him anytime if I need, and hooks me up with a guy from our church to disciple me.  Cool.  More support is always great.  Bad news is that the guy is out for the week and thus currently unavailable.  Camel poo.

Note: I have found that surrounding myself with people I care about and schedule something to look forward to every other day, I can ward off some of the symptoms of my depression. 

Holy crap, it's almost 9pm already.  So much to say and so little time to write.

Today was three steps from call-the-suicide-hotline.  Yeah, I hit that low.  Thank God for my family, without whom I doubt I could make it through this war.  But I was smart: I kept the hotline in-mind (reaching out is a sign of strength, people), talked to my church director, talked to my wife, talked to my mother-in-law, and am currently chatting with some friends.  I filled my day with positive social events which kept some of the horrible thoughts at bay.  I went on a date with my AMAZING wife, which consisted of a dinner at a local Red Lobster (which my wife makes fun of me for growing up believing Red Lobster was a "fancy" restuarant due to their prices) followed by a visit to a local Christian bookstore.  There I found myself a new Bible (NIV for those who care) and a few books about conquering life's storms.  Good stuff.  Felt in the low 60s (in terms of happiness).  These past few days were the only times I've felt above 50% (median) in a LOOOOONG time.  Also to note: my in-laws have told me that they've seen the most improvement in me in the past year, and even more so in the past three months.  I need to hear shit like this to keep my motivation going.  What about you?

I spoke with my mom on the phone today to catch up, and to give her the heads up that I am in the midst of declaring bankruptcy.  Technically, I owe her money from years back, and have to legally disclose this debt to my lawyers.  Man, that was a tough thing to get out.  How do you tell your mother that you aren't going to pay her back?  It seems like a smaller deal when I write it, but it felt like a major hurdle in the moment.  Speaking of bankruptcy, I am feeling major anxiety from this process.  My bank is harrassing me about missed payments, and have taken to call me all hours of the night AND ON WEEKENDS!  I received a text from them today to contact them by 9pm TONIGHT, or else!  A text... on my fucking phone.  For some reason, I haven't found the inner strength to give them my lawyer's phone number.  Why, I don't know.  Maybe because then it will feel "real."  In the meantime, my wife and I have to change banks so that they don't just remove the funds themselves.  Legal?  It's a grey area.  Moral?  Hell no.  But then again, we are talking about a bank that paid $0 in federal taxes this year while their executives made off with millions in bonuses... AFTER being bailed-out by the taxpayers.  Fuckers.  Anyhow, my debt is yet ANOTHER story that will eventually come to light if I decide to continue this blog.

Where the hell did that last paragraph go?  Tan-gent.

Anyway, a brief note about talking to my mom: she tells me that I should talk to my brothers soon, although she understands why I don't call the "successful" one (it might make me feel more depressed).  She also reminds me twice that I have (in her eyes) given up my dream career to be with my family.  Way to reinforce those demons, mom.  I try to have compassion for her, as she's been through a LOT in her life.  But what frustrates me the worst is that EVERYONE around her can tell she's been clinically depressed for decades.  And yet she seeks no treatment.  We call this the "martyr" syndrome.  You see, in my mom's religion, suffering is considered to be awesome...  as in, you score more God points if you suffer and just deal with it sans complaining or treatment.  That is also probably a product of the age that my mom grew up in: mental illness was taboo and hardly understood.  Add in all the other shit she's been through, and it's hard to blame her.  But that doesn't make talking to her (sometimes) any easier.  I need to remember to prepare for conversations with her so that I'm ready for this.  Then again, that's EXACTLY what my therapist is telling me not to do.  Damned if I do, damned if I don't.

Have I mentioned just how negative, insane, unprofessional, and generally fucking insane the people that I work with/for are?  Yeah, no names or locations will be revealed because of a near-certaintly of retaliation.  That being said, this is the kind of place that will persecute you for the most innane things, so I wouldn't be surprised if I get fired anyway.  That might be a blessing.  I've recently told my wife that I'd rather manage a McDonald's than continue to work where I'm at.  Then again, I also feel guilty for saying that: the economy is shitty, and at least I have a job that is paying our bills (well, most of them...  see above...  while you scroll, I'm going to get a snickers).

If there's one thing you should take away from this, it's the following: my day started horribly, it got better at a meeting, sank low throughout the middle of the day (hotline low), and then rose again in the evening.  Days can change, people.  Bad days can get better.  Sure, the converse is also true, but a shitty day or moment can be turned around... eventually.  The hard part is staying in the fight.  It's like being in the ring with a professional boxer, but you don't h ave to win.  Just survive.  That's the ticket. I.  I will survive.  No matter how long I have loved blah blah blah, disco...