Only 10 more weeks of this hellacious job and I can kiss it goodbye. I think I have essentially made it impossible for me to work there next year on account of my certification's expiration. I am trying to think of this as a blessing in disguise. Meanwhile, the job hunt for virtually ANYTHING else continues. I have sent out numerious e-mails, resumes, cover letter, and phone calls, but so far... nada.
I came home today to find my family gone at a Girl Scout's meeting. Bummer. I'm trying to convince myself that alone =/= loneliness, but that's not going too well at the moment.
My therapist is out on vacation next week, which is going to put things in a very stressful position, to say the least. Therapy and church are a few of the things that I actually look forward to. Speaking of therapy, my therapist was considering hospitalizing me this past week. Then my psychiatrist came in and changed the plan. My increased dosage of Prozac has yet to kick in, and so I've been experiencing anxiety attacks as a result. So now I am supposed to take 1 mg (dang that's alot) of Xanax, three times a day. To say the least, it's taking care of much of the anxiety, but at the same time, it's knocking me out. I fell asleep in a friend's spare room yesterday while my wife helped her clean (our friend is pregnant and ready to burst, so my wife decided to lend a helping hand).
I haven't done my homework from the book Feeling Good in nearly a week, and I'm sure that's taking a toll on me. The problem is, I feel that I have so much going on right now that I can't set aside even the ten to fifteen minutes that it takes to cognitively sort through my problems and false assumptions. I'm also "supposed to" (there's a cognitive distortion again) meditate every day, read the bible, and journal my thoughts. Well, at least I haven't brought work home with me in weeks... oh wait, I did just that today. Shit.
In addition, I'm dealing with filing for bankruptcy (yet another long blog that I'm sure will come in the near-future), freaking out about the local government's cuts to education (I have loved ones who are educators), and generally trying to hold it together. So far, I'm not doing well today. In fact, I don't think I've hit above a 30% since my last date with my wife. I'm so tired of this. I just wish I could go to sleep and wake up with all of my major problems gone. I got a tast of this last Friday when I had a gasto-doctor do an upper scope of my esophagus, stomach, and duodenum. He said that there is no sign of ulcers (which was a hypothesis for my constant vomiting every morning), but that he could definitely see some erosion. Anyhow, the point is that when they gave me to IV drip to knock me out, I experienced the most restful, happy sleep of my life. I was only out for about 20-30 minutes, but I awoke without a care in the world. Pure bliss. That didn't help me deal with keeping away any self-harming thoughts, but don't worry, I still don't want to do such a thing. I'd be lying if I didn't say that many days I wish that I was dead so that I wouldn't have to suffer anymore, but then I think of my family... my wife and girls don't deserve that.
My therapist says that I'm doing really well; that I'm severely depressed and anxious, and that my current job is not exactly lending itself to helping me. I don't know if I'm mentioned this before, but she told me to stop trying to "figure work out." She says that what happens there is so asinine, backwards, and illogical, that I will never EVER figure out where the next slight or attack will come from.
Why can't I have salvation? Why can't I have at least 2 days a week where my satisfaction/mood breaches 50%? Or how about one? I can't tell you how tired I am of dealing with this. God help me.
God IS helping you. And I think you know that. I do have to say that the reason that you are probably not reaching farther than 50% is that you are giving in to that feeling of hopelessness. (Don't get me wrong I know it is hard to fight it off, but fight it you must.)
ReplyDeleteAlso, even if you cannot write your homework from your book. Do at least one thing in your head. Defeat one thought at a time, you can do it!
ok try two...damn I cannot remember all the wise things I had to say.
ReplyDeleteThe gist was, I feel like your hopelessness has become a sort of external force in your life, one that has the power to change and manipulate everything around you. Your homework was doing so good for you because it empowered you to realize that your hopelessness and depression are YOURS and you have the power and strength to defeat and disarm them. I love you!